I signed up for this?! Update 1-3-2023
With my friends Sarah and Laura Matanah, along with Kaveri, whom I’m staying with.
I’ve been thinking about the challenges I face, and I remind myself — I signed up for this. I signed up for donating my kidney, which necessarily entails pain and discomfort.
And broadly speaking, this is what I signed up for in life: Taking action to be benefit all life that would put me at risk for pain and discomfort.
I’ve experienced frustration, anger, fear, impatience over the last day and I wonder what my limits are. So I ask myself, did I really sign up for this?!
I’ll explain my current challenge: Yesterday I went to see the urologist about my bladder issues. You can read about the history in my previous post. They removed my Foley (ongoing) catheter. I was, again, unable to pee. They gave me the option of self-catheterization, as needed, or putting the Foley catheter back in. Because of my intense fear around self-catheterization, I chose to put the Foley catheter back in. I also will have a Urodynamic Procedure, a test that can help them understand what’s happening, on Feb. 12. The date may be pushed up if there are cancellations.
Next week I’ll go back in and I can have another try at removing the catheter. I’m currently contemplating the idea of self-catheterization, and curious if I can muster up the courage to attempt that next week.
I fear catheterization, and I find putting an object in penis to be invasive.
I plan on meditating, learning more about self-cathertization, and remind myself that I am safe, healthy, and brave in preparation for Monday.
Besides my bladder issues, my healing is going well. My mobility has increased. It’s been almost one week since I’ve taken an opioid pain killer, and my pain is moderate or mild. However, having constant pain for two weeks is tiring. I have also gotten tired of an idle lifestyle. I intend on trying some independent living activities soon. I continue to stay at my cousin’s house, where I receive excellent care. I have had many visitors (thanks to all of you!) and we’ve played, walked, and talked. Friends have run errands for me, provided loving presence as I cried, and showed me tips on how to take care of my body.
Back to the question of what I signed up for: Life doesn’t go as planned. I knew that donating a kidney may be very challenging, though I didn’t know the specific form of challenge it would take. This challenge has taken me to a very dark place, where I am facing fears I wasn’t aware I had. I wonder where my courage will come from.